so this week Chris has been gone and it's been a few months since he's been away. life is so much easier with two parents. but we've made it through and he should be home in a few hours. we dealt with some sickness and some snow that shut down school this week. just when i think that i've made some progress with myself, i get reminded of how life is usually one inch forward in becoming more like Jesus. i know it's not in me, it's God that makes any light come out or in me...but i think, i'm doing so much better. and then, whammo, it's 9am and i've already yelled at the kids, been angry to the point of wanting to hurt someone, lost control, etc. instead of saying hurtful words and having a bad attitude, my energy would be better spent on my knees in prayer. however, if i was to take the time to do this, the entire house would probably be burned down and someone would need stitches and i'm sure the dog would eat the cat and everything would come crashing down. ha ha ha.
it's a beautiful mess i live in. i never dreamed i'd have 4 small kids at the same time. let alone 2 in a less than a year. the crazy thing is that everything in me wants to be done. this year i am finally starting to do stuff for myself again. we can get a babysitter and go be a couple for the first time in years.
but, God isn't done with this chapter yet. i find myself saying, i hear you God, you want us to have more kids. but my heart screams no, not yet, not now, no no no. it's too H A R D! but there are moments when i look at all 4 kids playing together and think back to the first few months with a 5 year old, 3 year old, 11 month old, and a new born and remember how hard it was. but how dependant i was on God. i couldn't breathe without him. i think about how amazing his plan is b/c i'd have never chosen 4 kids for myself. someone wise once said to us that they couldn't imagine if they'd just stopped with 2 kids. they would've never known the other two. i can't imagine my life without all 4 little personalities. and i am grateful. he plans for us, he provides, he knows better. it's hard and i am human and want easy. but i guess if hard means more love, more grace, and more of him, it's worth it. guess we'll see what he has in store for us...
it's a beautiful mess i live in. i never dreamed i'd have 4 small kids at the same time. let alone 2 in a less than a year. the crazy thing is that everything in me wants to be done. this year i am finally starting to do stuff for myself again. we can get a babysitter and go be a couple for the first time in years.
but, God isn't done with this chapter yet. i find myself saying, i hear you God, you want us to have more kids. but my heart screams no, not yet, not now, no no no. it's too H A R D! but there are moments when i look at all 4 kids playing together and think back to the first few months with a 5 year old, 3 year old, 11 month old, and a new born and remember how hard it was. but how dependant i was on God. i couldn't breathe without him. i think about how amazing his plan is b/c i'd have never chosen 4 kids for myself. someone wise once said to us that they couldn't imagine if they'd just stopped with 2 kids. they would've never known the other two. i can't imagine my life without all 4 little personalities. and i am grateful. he plans for us, he provides, he knows better. it's hard and i am human and want easy. but i guess if hard means more love, more grace, and more of him, it's worth it. guess we'll see what he has in store for us...
Yay for posting again! I look forward to hearing more about our last conversation after this post!
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